The shibari work is paid work, mostly. I like working with women this way, to remind them that trust is possible.
An interview with Nimrod.
Nimrod | Age: 36 | Location: London, UK | Born: Israel | Occupation: Unemployed | No. of sexual partners: 100+
Why did you take part?
I’ve read some of the past interviews. I thought maybe this process would be therapeutic. I also just want to contribute to making sexuality into something that is beyond good and evil, beyond morality. I feel that it’s a service to me and to the reader.
What events in your life shaped your sexuality? What’s your story?
I had an amazing open childhood. My family was very allowing and supporting. They had a deep acceptance of the body not being something to run away from. Once at the dinner table my aunt pulled off my mum’s top and my mum just sat there with her breasts out like it’s nobody’s business. My mother used to talk to me about sex with very little shame around it.
At about 8 I played in the garden with 2 other kids. We showed each other our genitals and the dad of one of the kids came to the house and started screaming at me and calling me a pervert. I didn’t know what it meant but it was clear that I did something very wrong. He was working for my father and my father actually fired him. This family got very upset and told everyone that I’m a pervert. Next time I went to play outside I was ridiculed. The kids didn’t really get what they were shaming me about, I didn’t get why it was happening, but it was clear it was about sexuality. I somehow knew I hadn’t done anything wrong, that we were just playing. In many ways this event made me reject the oppression of my sexuality. And that has weaved through the rest of my life. Being ridiculed from the group and being pointed as an outsider gave me freedom to actually explore and not judge my sexuality, my exploration, the perversions that are within me. I became very accepting for my sexuality and my partners’ sexuality.
When I was 12 I had sex in the basketball courtyard of my school with a girl who was 4 years older. I was in love with her for a year. It was a horrible experience. It was in many ways a sobering thing. I had idealised the body and the sexual act before. Meeting body to body was so awkward, in many ways it just didn’t work. I didn’t know what to do. I had assumed that the vagina is like a coca cola bottle hole just under the belly button hole. Confronting an actual vagina, I just didn’t get what was going on. She had some experience and she knew what to do so that helped but still. It wasn’t good in any way. I just couldn’t get how this experience was what it was - not what I had thought it was.
A few years later I had a long relationship for 7 years. I was 17 when we met. The depth of the commitment, love and trust over such a long period of time really opened me to be in intimacy with another human being. It set a standard of how I wanted to be met. And showed the depth of connection that is possible. It ended because I cheated on her. I was 24 and not ready. Although it was an amazing connection over a long time I couldn’t think of a future as something that is set. I sabotaged it. She wanted to get married and have kids. It was my way of putting a foot out the door. The exit door.
I fall in love every year pretty much. I don’t have an agenda. I’ve been in open and monogamous relationships. I have a few lovers even if i haven’t been with them for months. I’m kind of open to whatever the next meeting will be. I find the process of online dating not really humane. It feels like a meat market though I’m sure there are good people there and that I’m missing out. I don’t like the idea of being like a product on a shelf and browsing through other people. I had Tinder - I had one date. I was really shocked to see the difference between the profile and the person. I didn’t recognise her. We had a glass of wine and I left. I could see why she was using those very old pictures.
What does sex mean to you?
It’s constantly evolving. In my mid 20s it was a way of proving my worthiness. That got very empty and very lonely very quickly. It then became a point of connection, god, a church, a dance. For many years I didn’t compromise on the intimacy and really embraced a feminine way of sexuality, only when there was a connection.
In the last year I allowed myself to explore situation where only some connection components were there. It just brought me back to the point of remembering why I needed that deeper meeting.
What’s difficult about sex?
Finding a partner that I can connect with. Who is not playing a role. Someone who is actually naked when they are naked. Not wearing a mask. Very challenging to find women who can hold that space.
It’s happened before that I’d connect with my partner on many other levels but when it got to sex it was more automated role play - more based on what she thought men wanted. It’s hard to find partners with emotional capability and vulnerability in place. It’s frustrating to meet a partner and have to take them them by the hand. It’s a beautiful gift to give to someone. To give them no judgement. I don’t want to be guiding people too much though, I want to be met.
What do you most enjoy about sex?
There is a quality of connection. When it’s there it’s healing, it can be a deep spiritual oneness. I can be completely present and disappear at the same time.
I can enjoy very soft and gentle touch. With others it can be pain & pleasure. It’s all up to the context. I really like tying my partners. I do shibari and have a few subs. I love sensitising them to the lightest touch up to a point where the very tip of my finger on the inside of their thighs makes them moan and shiver. Thing that I enjoy doing lately is pressing their arm to their body and penetrating their armpit with my penis. Or a bent knee. The sensation that it creates for me and for them, especially in the hypersensitive build up. I love it.
I’m a considerate and a soft man, and my aggression was always repressed. Slowly I’ve seen the other side of that equation. I saw that a lot of my partners wanted to feel my masculine strength, to be dominated. Shibari became a real tool to express my need to dominate and the human need to surrender. I love surrendering as well. I regain my faith in humanity when i can share that level of trust with someone.
The rope enabled a new way of being intimate with people. Not explicitly about sex. It’s a space to be vulnerable, to be strong, to hold space, to be attentive to the person I’m working with. I don’t have sex with the people I do shibari with. It’s clear from the first moment. It’s therapeutic. The shibari work is paid work, mostly. I like working with women this way, to remind them that trust is possible. That someone can be attentive to them but not use them. I have 3 women that I work with on a regular basis. I charge per hour. Everything is pre-set. I’m not selling sex. There is no sex although it can be very erotic.
Do you orgasm?
Most of the time I don’t ejaculate. I do come but mostly without ejaculating. I discovered it when I was 14. I wanted to prolong the masturbation. I discovered that I can squeeze certain muscles at the bottom of my pelvis and give myself a mini orgasm without ejaculating and continue going. I wouldn’t have this moment of not being able to be hard. Then I saw that if i repeat it a few times and I squeeze that muscle it can become a proper orgasm. The sensation of coming becomes more and more intense, more intense than ejaculating.
What specific things (e.g. techniques) have you found, alone and with partners, that have led to more pleasure in your sex life?
There is a tendency to want strong sensation, fast and hard. A tip would be to reduce the threshold of sensation where the tiniest touch has the most powerful effect. A sound is only as strong as the silence it breaks. Create the silence, play with the sound.
Do you masturbate?
Yeah. I masturbate without ejaculating. Probably twice a week. It varies dramatically though. When I’m stressed or under pressure I masturbate more and then I also come and watch porn. It’s escapism. I don’t like most porn though. I can’t stand the fake breasts on fake bodies fakely shouting they enjoy fake sex. I enjoy couples making love. Homemade style.
When I don’t ejaculate it’s to save energy. To have an orgasm without ejaculating it doesn’t deplete the energy or blunt the mind. After a few times of orgasming without ejaculating the sensation is amplified, much more pleasureable and more intense.
How often do you have sex?
I had 4 partners in the last year. In the year before that, 3. It varies a lot.
Do you do anything to prevent pregnancy or getting STDs?
How do you see male sexuality portrayed in the society and how does it make you feel?
It’s difficult to face the damage that we as men did and do towards women. I had many friends disregarding women. I see men that are unable to be vulnerable and are hiding behind degrading women. I think men are very lost culturally. Trying to prove their worth. I’ve been the object of distrust by women. It’s hard to be looked at as an aggressor and at the same time it’s totally understandable.
What’s your advice to men?
Listen and be slow.
Also, be open to your prostate being stimulated. I think for most men to cross that moral barrier is beneficial. It’s incredibly pleasurable. My recommendation is let your partner do it or do it yourself.
What’s your advice to women?
Is there anything you want to explore?
I don’t know what it is but I’m really open to what’s coming.