I know how to please men because I’ve been abused. Whether it’s food on the table or sex on tap or being exciting, abused women want to please men constantly.
An interview with Isabelle.
Isabelle | Age: 39 | Location: London, UK | Occupation: Barista | No. of sexual partners: 28
Why did you take part?
Sex is very important to me. I enjoy it and love it and women are not supposed to say that. People need to learn and understand more about women and sex.
What events in your life shaped your sexuality? What’s your story?
When I was 9 my mum had to go to the hospital to have a baby and our house burned down while she was away. That was 6 months of hell. No one told me what was going on. I was convinced that my mum was dying and my dad wasn’t around. I had 4 siblings and I was the one taking care of them.
I had my first sexual experience with a woman at age 11. I was raised atheist and not once thought it was wrong. We set up a tent in her garden and got naked and had fun, it was great. Her family was very religious so when they found out we had to stop. I was devastated. I never saw her since. I was really shy and quiet from that time onwards.
When I was 14 I got involved in a feminist punk movement. I was weird so I was already considered a “lesbian.” I came out to my family at 14. I also confided in someone at school - and the word got around. There was a group of nasty girls and their brothers and boyfriends were skinheads. They threatened me. They said if it’s true that I’m lesbian they’d knock my head in - “such a shame we really like you” they said. I got quiet again, felt isolated and depressed.
I went to a college that was a bit further from home to avoid bullies and that was great. I finally made friends, had good teachers, and a first boyfriend. The boyfriend made me realise that I wasn’t a lesbian! Since then I consider myself straight with bisexual tendencies.
At university my next boyfriend was an artist and had a stockings fetish. He’d do a lot of vintage photographs of me. It made me feel very sexy but he was very controlling and abusive about it at the same time - it had to happen everyday. He always made me think I wasn’t wife material. There’s a lot of shame for women who are sexual. You’re either a virgin or a whore. He liked the idea of me having sex with other people and would make me do it. We’d go to bars and I’d have to choose someone. One new years eve things got crazy. He took me to a remote spot and forced an elderly man to rape me. It was punishment for having sex with other man before him.
I met my first husband because my boyfriend wanted to watch me have sex with him. I was with him for 7 years and had 3 kids. He had a big dick and a constant hard on. We’d have sex 3 times a day for 7 years. He was like a vibrator for me; no affection or intimacy. I didn’t have any mental stimulation. My brain and my soul were dead. Everyone criticised me. I was with this boring guy, a bus driver. I was an artist. He wouldn't let me work or have friends. My sense of self worth was diminished totally. He wanted to watch me have sex with other men too. This continued when I was pregnant so I left him.
After I left my first husband I went to college, started building a career and a sense of confidence. I was a single mum with 3 kids. Feeling skinned all the time didn’t help. I went on a holiday to ortugal and I met my second husband there. Big Costa Rican man with tattoos. Asked me to marry him and within 6 months we were pregnant. We had a very good sex life but he was psychotic. He could turn at any point to being extremely violent, physically and sexually. He raped me repeatedly. Abused women want to please men. You want to make yourself perfect to please them. He almost abused my daughter once when I was out after he beat me up. She managed to push him off and lock herself up. I was pregnant so we had to go back but my daughter went to live with her granny. I left him January this year finally.
I’ve been dating since and seeing this guy for the last few weeks. Met him on Tinder. Been seeing other people in the meantime but kinda feel like I’m going to stop it with the other guys. I’m slowly getting into a better place with my self-worth. Only sleep with black men these days. My ex husband would beat me black and blue for looking at black men.
What does sex mean to you?
It’s been something used against me for so many years. These days I love it but it took me a long time to get into a place of self worth good enough to enjoy it.
What’s difficult about sex?
There’s all these expectations of what sex is meant to be. Everyone has porn 24/7. Sex parties. I have lots of sex but it’s mostly vanilla. I don’t do any dressing up or sex toys. I do it at night. With my boyfriend we do different positions but end up in missionary because that’s what we love. I wonder if he thinks it’s boring. I think we both think that sometimes.
What do you most enjoy about sex?
I have a very high sex drive and enjoy sex a lot.
Do you orgasm?
Now all the time. When I was being abused I could very rarely come. My body was screaming at me that I was unhappy. I used to be dry back then too.
How often do you have sex?
As often as possible. I see my boyfriend about 4 times a week.
Do you masturbate?
All the time. I never use porn. I use my own imagination. I’ll remember someone from the bus and imagine they’re touching me. Power of suggestion really turns me on.
How do you see female sexuality portrayed in the society?
There’s a lot of shame for women who are sexual. If you’re sexual you’re not wife material.
What’s your advice to women?
Masturbate. You want to tell men what you want. You’re not going to know what you want unless you masturbate. Don’t judge yourself. Enjoy your body and have sex!
What’s your advice to men?
Realise there is another person in the room. Sex is not all about your cock and to a woman it’s not just about her pussy. Pay attention to all of her body. A woman can’t just be fucked. For women foreplay can go on for days. Make her feel appreciated and do your part in the relationship. If the woman is doing drudgery or an unequal part of the home work or is stressed or feeling less attractive she is less likely to orgasm or want to have sex to start with.
Is there anything you want to explore?
I’d like to use a strap-on on a man.