I can’t enjoy sex but I act like I’m enjoying it.
An interview with Darius.
Darius | Age: 35 | Location: London, UK | Born: Turkey | Occupation: Analyst | No. of sexual partners: 4
Why did you take part?
It sounds quite exciting for me because I always wanted to have nude pictures. Feels like a nude picture of me but from an artist perspective.
What events in your life shaped your sexuality? What’s your story?
The most important years in my life were in Germany. Educational system etc. My parents and I lived in an east German community focused on communism. I feel like a Mediterranean but the basic structure of my personality is built by Germans. We were a tiny closed family, just me and my parents. I never had experienced or heard or seen them have a sexual relationship. I never knew and I don’t believe that for the last 35 years they had any sex. They were quite conservative about it if they were doing it. In Turkey in general sexuality is kind of taboo. You can’t easily talk about it or express yourself sexually so this is something that scares the shit out of people. They don’t know how to react to it or take sides. This is one of the challenges in Turkey for me. When I was in nursery I was kissing girls mouth to mouth. Showing body parts, touching them. In Turkey this never ever happens. It was a huge shock when we moved back to turkey when I was 7. My family turned from two people to 100. Both my parents had a lot of brothers and sisters. Cousins, aunts, uncles! All kinds. I was a lonely child playing in his room before that.
When I was in Germany I was circumcised. I was 3. I do remember every single thing about that moment. It’s the first thing I remember. I couldn’t go to the toilet. I had stitches. I’d rip off the stitches. I had to go through a surgery afterwards. They told me not to touch it but i ripped it off. It became a horrible event for me - it took about a month to recover. It scared the shit out of me. Everything around my penis is a trauma for me. The tip is very sensitive. My friends were torturing me. People would talk about it - when I was 13 I think I fainted from my friends talking about it. It would make me physically sick. They weren’t bullying me because they couldn’t physically handle me but still. I have OCD and the issue is they were trying to make fun and to tease me through that. About hygiene and tidiness. It never used to happen in Germany. If my friends were talking about the penis I’d react so strongly, I’d leave the premises and they realised that they could talk about it. It still makes me anxious to just talk about it.
It still impacts me. I feel very agitated when someone gives me oral. I can’t come from it. Never have been able to. I’m a kind person. If someone asks me something even if it’s a ridiculous thing I don’t like, I still accept it. I should refuse it because I don’t feel comfortable. I had a relationship for 1.5 years. I was never able to talk about it. I was told it’s not a big issue. It makes me feel depressed. I can’t enjoy sex but I act like I’m enjoying it. That it’s so beautiful. The main thing is to make your partner happy. I have to look after them or make them happy. Yeah. Mainly it’s my dedication.
At the beginning in every relationship I have a lot of sex. Not that I know what a lot means. My hormones provoke me to have sex but I know what the consequences are. I don’t want to hurt my partners - don’t want to reject them. Like I’m not in the mood or don’t want to - it’s really bad for the relationship. It’s quite difficult to find someone who is not very into sexuality. That’s why I’m looking for more mature people to avoid the sexual intercourse. After a couple of years it ends anyway. What’s left is just personality and what you have in common. But at the beginning of the relationship this realisation is a bit naive. You have to find mature personalities to work with. Or people who aren’t attracted to me but you can’t keep a relationship with someone who isn’t attracted to you.
I’m producing the hormones. The issue is about the psychological part. I adore the female body. It’s another thing. I like athletic bodies. Strong. They excite me. I can’t say that I’m not interested but only in watching or seeing it. If something happens it’s not very exciting anymore. It’s not torture but more like a thing to survive. Like a thing I have to do. I like to watch nude pictures. I fantasise about their bodies. Makes me feel kind of happy.
I had sex for the first time last year. I was 34. I avoided people liking me. It took about 2.5 hrs. I didn’t ejaculate. She came about 22 times. It was a bit awkward. It was horrible for me. She was upset that I didn’t come. My penis hurt even though I used a condom. It didn’t help much. I used lubricant after a while but it still hurt. The sex since has been less hurtful. More acceptable but still not the best. I try to avoid it as much as I can.
I had bruxism. It’s when you clench your teeth. I had an issue with my jaw and my teeth so my dentist told me to get support. I started to see a therapist for 1.5 years. He was asking me about sexuality. I kept saying I don’t have any. I was very focused on my education in the therapy since I was in a master then. He said maybe it’s a mother issue that prevents me from having sexual intercourse with someone else. The only thing I can think of is I’m scared of my mother psychologically. She’s very dominant. That’s the most polite way of saying it. She has and had a very strong influence on me and my father. She gets angry and avoids us. This is the most hurtful thing. To feel like you’re not there anymore. Me and my father we are in the same situation. I love my mother more than anything. She helped me to get conscious about so many things. She pushed me to my limits with education.
What does sex mean to you?
It’s a kind of a bonding thing that connects two persons in a very melodic way. I’m a deaf person to it but still.
What’s difficult about sex?
The trauma. I avoided sex in my earlier years. It’s not the circumcision it might be getting scared of being cheated or not liked or trying to be rejected. It might be a defensive thing psychologically. When I was younger I didn’t think I’d enjoy having sex. It doesn’t make much sense to me. Most people they are basing their relationships on the sexual intercourses. Establishing a relationship on that is ridiculous.
What do you most enjoy about sex?
I enjoy the foreplay. Before penetration or anything that doesn’t involve my penis.
Do you orgasm?
When I masturbate, yes.
Do you masturbate?
I masturbate in the toilet or the shower.
How do you see male sexuality portrayed in the society and how does it make you feel?
In Turkey it’s a nightmare. Everything is male based. Women are fighting for their rights still. They are seen as sexual objects. In the UK I feel more comfortable. People are treated according to who they are culturally or by education. Sexuality isn’t the first thing. In the UK the narrative is quite equal for the genders.
What’s your advice to men?
I’m not the person to give advice. Do it with the person that you like or at least that you won’t detest later on! In my opinion sex isn’t a short term, it should be like an investment, like a long term project. You don’t want to do it with a brainless personality probably.
What’s your advice to women?
Is there anything you want to explore?
I try to engage with people more long term. I always try to delay it. I don’t ever want to push people to do something they don’t want to do. I prefer that they step in first. This is the most hurtful issue for me. I always put myself last. I’d rather hurt myself than someone else. I never say no to anyone if they are my friends. I’m always there and I always do extra for them. If anyone is sleeping I can wait for hours to make them breakfast and not wake them up.For the last few years, no one is there for me aside from my family.